Конечно, смех — лучшее лекарство. Но не при поносе.

— Вы верующий человек? — Наполовину. — Как это? — В Бога верю, а в церковь нет.

Смотришь на заработки певцов и спортсменов и понимаешь, что главные предметы в школе — это пение и физкультура!

Когда уместно и нужно употреблять идиоматическое междометие «Бл@дь»:


Лифт, последний этаж.
- Вам вниз?
- Нет, бл@дь, вбок!

————

- Тёща, Вам плита нужна?
- Газовая?
- Нет, бл@дь, мраморная!

————

Две коровы на скотобойне. Одна обращается к другой:
- Скажите, а вы тут в первый раз?
- Нет, бл@дь, во второй!

————

Приходит мужик в хозяйственный магазин:
- Дайте мне мыло и веревку.
- Вы что, повеситься хотите?
- Нет, бл@дь, помоюсь - и в скалолазы!!!

————

- Милый... у меня две полоски...
- Ты беременна?
- Нет, бл@дь, я бурундучок!!!

————

Суд, - свидетель, что Вы делали 16 марта 2016 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
Свидетель, - ну, я сидел в кресле с календарем и смотрел, бл@дь, на часы!

————

Железнодорожница спрашивает у бегущего за поездом и размахивающего
руками мужика
- Мужчина, Вы, что на поезд опоздали?
- Нет, бл@дь, я его с вокзала выгоняю!

————

Приходит мужик к врачу и высовывает маленький, маленький член.
Врач смотрит и спрашивает.
- Жалуетесь?
Мужик: нет, бл@дь, хвастаюсь!

————

- У меня хомяк умер.
- Что просто взял и умер?
- Нет, бл@дь, со спецэффектами!

————

Подходит на рынке мужик к бабке, которая торгует картошкой.
- бабушка, у Вас картошка на посадку?
- (злобно) – нет, бл@дь, на взлет!

————

Война, через окоп переехал танк. Один солдат другому.
- Че, Вань, обосрался со страху?
- Нет, бл@дь, от бешеной ненависти к врагу.

————

- Вам батон нарезной?
- Нет, бл@дь, гладкоствольный!

————

Утром выхожу из душа с намотанным полотенцем на голове, мой спрашивает.
- Ты, из душа?
- Нет, бл@дь, из Индии прямым рейсом!

————

Начальник - секретарше.
- Соберите всех сотрудников на совещание, срочно!
- По селектору?
- Нет, бл@дь, через «одноклассников», так быстрее будет!

————

Идет мужик в одном сапоге.
- мужчина, Вы, что сапог потеряли?
- нет, бл@дь, нашел!

————

- Я забыла дома утюг выключить!
- И, что, у тебя теперь все сгорит?
- Нет, бл@дь, все погладится!

————

Телефонистка.
- Номер, который Вы вызываете, не отвечает…
- Что, совсем?
- Нет, бл@дь, первые две цифры ответили, а остальные молчат!

Фото семьи в автомобиле, подпись к фото:
— Уже шестой час едем из столицы домой. Пока Москва!
— Запятую пропустила после пока.
— Нет.

Прочитал новость: короновирус, как выяснили ученые, вызывает смерть в основном у лиц старше 65 лет. Не вирус, а просто мечта Пенсионного Фонда!

Две школьницы на перемене:
- Вчера Петрову минет в вестибюле делала.
- Фигасе! Слово-то какое, вестибюль!

Актуальное ...

1. Подходит ко мне как-то представитель среднего класса и говорит: "Вы как допьете, бутылочку не выбрасывайте, пожалуйста"

2. Если вы не пьете и не материтесь, значит вы не следите за ситуацией в стране!

Полицейские и росгвардейцы оказались перед неразрешимой смысловой дилеммой, увидев человека с плакатом «ПУТИНУ – ПОЖИЗНЕННЫЙ СРОК».

Болтают две третьеклассницы:
Первая:
– А я вчера в вестибюле Пете Семёнову минет делала!
Вторая:
– Надо же,.. какое слово… – «вестибюль».

***

Акулёнок спрашивает у матери, как надо охотиться. Она объясняет:
– Видишь плывущего человека, делаешь вокруг него три круга, а потом жрёшь, жрёшь, жрёшь!
Акулёнок:
– А можно сразу жрать, жрать, жрать?
Мать:
– Ну если хочешь прямо так, с говном?

Когда власти говорят, что чиновникам надо повышать зарплату с целью профилактики коррупции, я думаю, сколько надо платить полковнику полиции, чтобы он отказался от тех восьми миллиардов.

Пришло письмо от мошенников.
Говорят, давай нам деньги каждый месяц, а мы их тебе начнём возвращать по достижении 65 лет.
Тупее развода не видел.

Ацтеки и инки приносили своих вождей в жертву богам во время эпидемий.
Ни на что не намекаю...
Просто красивый обычай.

I see all the jokes are in Russian. I collected a long time away some jokes but in English and I will put one for the beginning.
I can't see a rule forbidding it but if it exists please delete my post and I will stop. If not please tell me and I will add.

The presidents balls.

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.
After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.
'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.
Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.
'Gambling' she muttered.
'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.
'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'
'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'
'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.
'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'
'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'
'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.
That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.
The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.
'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'
The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!
That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.
'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'
'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'

If I do a job in 30 minutes, it's because I spent 10 years learning how to do that in 30 minutes. You owe me for the years, not the minutes!!!

The above is not a joke is a fact.
How so many people can't understand that is a fact too.

And my joke:
Farmer Steve

Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.
“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”‘ asked the lawyer.
Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'”
Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

Now what the hell would you say

The old lady and her nuts

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Do you remember president Reagan ?
I hope you remember the Soviet Union.

The blonde and the bodybuilder

A body builder takes off his shirt.
A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.
She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

En una ruta, un policía le hace señas a un conductor para que se detenga. El hombre estaciona su auto en la banquina y el policía le echa una ojeada a su interior. Allí ve muchos fósforos desparramados y varios frascos de bencina que le resultan sospechosos.

- ¿Qué es esto?- pregunta el oficial.

- Soy malabarista y trabajo con fuego -le responde el conductor-, y utilizo eso en mis shows.

- ¿Ah sí? -sigue entonces el policía- A ver, bájese del auto y demuéstremelo...

El hombre, sin inmutarse, desciende del coche, toma un par de antorchas, las enciende, y comienza a hacer espectaculares malabarismos con ellas. En ese momento pasa otro auto a su lado, y el hombre que maneja le dice a su mujer:

- Menos mal que dejé de tomar. Mirá las pruebas que piden ahora en la prueba de alcoholemia.

Un mйdico Israelita comenta:
'La medicina en Israel estб tan avanzada que nosotros le quitamos los testнculos a una persona, se los ponemos a otra y en seis semanas ya estб buscando trabajo'.

Un mйdico alemбn comenta:
'Eso no es nada, en Alemania Le sacamos parte del cerebro a una persona, la ponemos en otra, y en cuatro semanas ya estб buscando trabajo'.

Un mйdico ruso comenta:
'Eso tampoco es nada, en Rusia la medicina esta tan avanzada que le sacamos la mitad del corazуn a una persona se la ponemos a otra y en dos semanas, ambas estбn buscando trabajo'.

A lo que el mйdico ARGENTINO responde:
ESO NO ES NADA !!!, todos ustedes estбn muy atrasados! fнjense que nosotros en Argentina agarramos a una persona sin cerebro, sin corazуn y sin huevos, lo pusimos de PRESIDENTE y ahora todo el paнs esta buscando trabajo!

Two silver doors

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Goodbyden, Trump!

На одном из избирательных участков в Мичигане произошла путаница с бюллютенями из Омска и Томска.

Todays helping

"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."
The doctor examined Harry and said, "I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case of hemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, "Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are."
Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of hemorrhoids.
"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry. "I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow. For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my bottom."

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Когда мы смотрели фильм "Кин-дза-дза! ", мы думали, что это сатира, антиутопия... Оказалось - научный прогноз!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYHv8eJrW2Y
(with english subs)

— Кхххеее... кхееее.... кххххееее...
— Ой, у Вас короновирус!!! Ужас!!! Держитесь от меня подальше!
— Нет, нет, это туберкулёз у меня.
— Фууууфффф... Слава Богу, а то я испугался сильно!!!

Guy with a gun enters a bar
Who the fuck had sex with my wife he snarled
Man in the background says You don't have enough bullets mate.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Я молилась Богу, чтобы он дал мне хорошего мужа. И Бог дал мне хорошего мужа. А вот мой муж не молился и ему досталась я!

И запомните, дети. Нищий не завидует богатому человеку, который дал ему милостыню. Нищий завидует другому нищему, которому больше подают.
Помня это, вы будете адекватнее оценивать события, происходящие во взрослой жизни!

Жарит людоед человека на вертеле и размышляет:
- Ума не приложу, за что люди меня ненавидят?

I hope you know this:
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
My version:
If it looks like a clown, goes like a clown, and quacks like a clown, then it probably is Donald Trump.
Well, Donald Duck, Donald Trump I still prefer the Disney version.
Make America Great Again but not in this way

Интересно, инвалида Навальный оклеветал, тот обиделся и в суд подал, а Путина, получается, не оклеветал, правду сказал про дворец-то, или тоже оклеветал, просто Путин такой необидчивый парень оказался?

Природа пытается компенсировать людям недостатки. У слепых идеальный слух, у глухих - хорошее зрение, а безмозглый может рассуждать на любые темы.

Русский- единственный язык, где можно пересолить борщ переборщив с солью.

Little Sam and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Sam received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Sam! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Sam explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Q. You know what's the really nice thing about having Alzheimer's disease?
A. You're ALWAYS meeting new people

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Que: How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans: Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere

Total Disaster ! Two friends were walking but suddenly they stopped.
1St : Oh my god !! my girl friend & my wife are coming together...!!!
2nd : Mine too...!

Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target...
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband:
Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Student: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Fat patient: Doctor, I want to lose weight fast.
Doctor: It is very easy, just keep shaking your head, left and right.
Fat patient: All the time?
Doctor: No, only when someone offers you food.

Давайте говорить как петербуржцы:
Не администрация, а взятошная.

DINER: 'This restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.'
OWNER: 'Thank you sir, but how did you know?'
DINER: 'Everything tastes of soap'

Husband: I need space...
Wife: Join NASA..

Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?