Анекдоты, Только лучшие!!! Опции

[santorini]

Two silver doors

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Williams]

Goodbyden, Trump!

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[Williams]

На одном из избирательных участков в Мичигане произошла путаница с бюллютенями из Омска и Томска.

[santorini]

Todays helping

"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."
The doctor examined Harry and said, "I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case of hemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, "Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are."
Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of hemorrhoids.
"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry. "I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow. For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my bottom."

[santorini]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Williams]

Когда мы смотрели фильм "Кин-дза-дза! ", мы думали, что это сатира, антиутопия... Оказалось - научный прогноз!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYHv8eJrW2Y
(with english subs)

[Williams]

— Кхххеее... кхееее.... кххххееее...
— Ой, у Вас короновирус!!! Ужас!!! Держитесь от меня подальше!
— Нет, нет, это туберкулёз у меня.
— Фууууфффф... Слава Богу, а то я испугался сильно!!!

[santorini]

Guy with a gun enters a bar
Who the fuck had sex with my wife he snarled
Man in the background says You don't have enough bullets mate.

[santorini]

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

[Williams]

Я молилась Богу, чтобы он дал мне хорошего мужа. И Бог дал мне хорошего мужа. А вот мой муж не молился и ему досталась я!

[Williams]

И запомните, дети. Нищий не завидует богатому человеку, который дал ему милостыню. Нищий завидует другому нищему, которому больше подают.
Помня это, вы будете адекватнее оценивать события, происходящие во взрослой жизни!

[MaXimumUs]

Жарит людоед человека на вертеле и размышляет:
- Ума не приложу, за что люди меня ненавидят?

[santorini]

I hope you know this:
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
My version:
If it looks like a clown, goes like a clown, and quacks like a clown, then it probably is Donald Trump.
Well, Donald Duck, Donald Trump I still prefer the Disney version.
Make America Great Again but not in this way

[Williams]

Интересно, инвалида Навальный оклеветал, тот обиделся и в суд подал, а Путина, получается, не оклеветал, правду сказал про дворец-то, или тоже оклеветал, просто Путин такой необидчивый парень оказался?

[Williams]

Природа пытается компенсировать людям недостатки. У слепых идеальный слух, у глухих - хорошее зрение, а безмозглый может рассуждать на любые темы.

[Buropashka]

Русский- единственный язык, где можно пересолить борщ переборщив с солью.

[santorini]

Little Sam and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Sam received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Sam! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Sam explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[santorini]

Q. You know what's the really nice thing about having Alzheimer's disease?
A. You're ALWAYS meeting new people

[santorini]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”

[santorini]

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED!